The first camp believes that forgiveness strengthens the survivor, brightens her outlook, and frees her up to move forward in her life in beautiful and empowering ways. The second camp believes that pressure to forgive may rob the survivor of the opportunity to feel important (and completely justified) feelings of anger, and thereby squelch her healing and diminish her self esteem.
As I ponder these two schools of thought, both of which appear to have a great deal of merit, I can't help but wonder: what if this isn't a disagreement about the process of healing at all? What if it's actually a disagreement about the definition of the word "forgiveness"?
Words, after all, are just symbols. And with a somewhat abstract, spiritual/emotional concept like forgiveness, it's not at all farfetched to think that the word may mean very different things to different people.
With this in mind, I thought I'd take some time to define what forgiveness means to me.
Actually, let me start with what it doesn't mean to me:
- It doesn't mean: "It's OK."
- It doesn't mean: "I will pretend nothing ever happened."
- It doesn't mean: "I'll never feel angry or sad about this again."
- It doesn't mean: "I will put myself in a similar situation with you again."
- It doesn't mean: "I like you again (or love you, or trust you, or want to hang out with you, etc.)."
- It doesn't mean: "I don't deserve to feel my feelings about this issue."
- I am no longer a victim.
- I take full responsibility for my own life and for my own healing.
- You don't have any power over me.
- I am bigger than what happened to me.
- I am more powerful that what happened to me.
- I have the right to enjoy my life as much or more than I would have if this had not happened to me.
- I can release myself from the grip of this situation and be free.
- I can step out of the drama of this situation and connect with the big picture - with The Infinite (God/Goddess/All That Is).
- I have the power to heal from this and any situation.
- Even though I will not forget what happened, I release you, I release myself, I release this situation, and I go free.
- Even though I may come back to my feelings about this in the future, I know that every step I take is a step in the direction of my healing and empowerment, and that I am more than equal to this and to every situation.
Thank you!!! After 7 years of searching for the true meaning of forgiveness, this is the only thing I have read that makes any sense at all.
ReplyDeleteOh cool! After I wrote this post, I was really excited about it, so thank you so much for reading and for dropping a line.
DeleteBeautiful said Tess! I struggled with that for most of my life dealing with the abuses of my biological family.
ReplyDeleteOops I meant that last comment to be a reply to this one (see below).
DeleteMichael congratulations for surviving and for having the courage to look at the past and to heal. Glad you enjoyed the post!
ReplyDelete"Even though I may come back to my feelings about this in the future, I know that every step I take is a step in the direction of my healing and empowerment, and that I am more than equal to this and to every situation."
ReplyDeleteTess -I haven't thought of it like that. I get cross with myself when I think about stuff that has happened in the past , as if I should have moved on by now. The above paragraph has made me think - its ok to sometimes think /get upset about it - because it is part of the healing process. thank you
Oh Gina this is wonderful to hear, because this has been an important realization for me as well: that it's impossible to move backwards in one's healing. Rather than a straight line, the healing/forgiveness process can be like a spiral or the layers of an onion. When we approach the process with joy and excitement rather than self-punishment - like "oh good, an opportunity to learn this lesson even more deeply!" it can become a daring adventure rather than a punishment.
DeleteThats so true, when u realise that the whole process is not a straight line, it is like a weight lifting from your shoulders.
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
DeleteI absolutely love this way of thinking of forgiveness. I was not abused, but was instead worn down into a way of thinking and believing, in order to be "the good child," that has me now questioning who I even am and how I truly feel about things--I am that out of touch. This is a very healthy and positive way to start back from that. Thank you so much for this, and for all of your posts. You really speak to me. Christie
ReplyDeleteHi Christie! I am so happy to hear that you found this helpful. I believe that even though some childhoods might not technically be characterized by "abuse," it does not mean that they are any less challenging to heal from. I can really relate to what you are saying about losing yourself, and I think a lot of other people can too. Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful words, and brightest blessings on your healing journey.
DeleteThis was a timely find here on your blog as I just recently posted about the balance of forgiveness on my own blog. http://wahooonfire.blogspot.com/2012/03/balance-of-forgiveness.html
ReplyDeleteI wonder now if my definition of it includes some of the things it shouldn't. Thanks for the food for thought!
Thanks for reading, Sherry, and for sharing your blog post! Forgiveness is definitely an excellent topic to explore. Many blessings!
DeleteThanks for your post...I am currently dealing with the fallout of discovering child abuse within my family, and think this article is a beautiful expression of something that I am observing people I care about struggle with every day. I do believe that some sort of forgiveness is essential for healing, and this shows that it doesn't need to be seen as denial or capitulation in any way, but rather acknowledgement and the strength to continue trying to experience life in a positive spirit...thanks again :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about the abuse in your family, but I am also pleased to hear that it has come into the light for healing. Thank you so much for letting me know that you found this post helpful. Many blessings to you and your loved ones.
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